Campus Politics. . . No Longer Just a Game
A Satire  on the Spring 2000 SG Election
Ken Kerns
April 2000
 

Prelude

As Vera Brittain once said, "Politics are usually the executive
expression of human immaturity." If this is an indication of politics
in general, it is the rule for politics on the university level. With
handwritten signs and slogans such as "free lunch" as the staple of
campus politics, the only ones interested in Student Government
historically have been politically ambitious nerds and charismatic
jocks. The jocks usually won the election.

All that began to change in the 1970s, when university
administrators across the country began giving students more autonomy
over their activity fees. The sons and daughters of the rich and
powerful began to take notice of Student Government for the first time
in history. And for the first time in history, they began to organize
to take it over for their own devices.

As apathy increased, it got easier, and within a decade, it was
theirs. Now they just had to consolidate power, which was easy enough
- bring in a few jocks and a few political nerds, and they had it made.
Opposition was few and far in between. The only problem was that they
got used to not having an opposition.

In 1999, Gainesville University witnessed the most bizarre
election in nearly a decade. After nearly three years without a
significant opposition, the group in power split into factions. The
"rebellious" faction joined with "dorm rats," engineers, and political
nerds to overthrow the Establishment. Only a liberal group and a joke
party would stand in their way.

That was when things got ugly.

Chapter One

Tyler Goldman opened his mailbox, hoping to not see yet another
credit card bill. He just hated to see those bills pile up, especially
since his mother promised to pay for everything, so long as he got his
college degree with a decent GPA. This month, though, his mother was
mad at him for his C- average last semester, and was withholding funds.

With a beer bottle in one hand, he grabbed out all of the
envelopes. One was, in fact, from a credit card company. With a sigh,

Tyler went up to his cheap apartment. After dropping everything on the
kitchen table, Tyler sat down and opened up the envelopes, starting
with the credit card company.

The tall man with a skinny physique jumped out of his chair,
nearly knocking it over. "Matt! Matt! We can do it!" Tyler said as
he rushed to his friend's bedroom.

"What?" Matt said groggly as he twisted around to face the open
door, thus turning away from his girlfriend of the week. "What are you
babbling about?"

"We can afford it now!"

"Matt, baby, quiet down," Sherry said as the brunette with wavy
hair looked up and tried kissing her boyfriend's arm as his whole body
rose to a sitting position.

"Sherry, this is important."

"How?"

"Tyler?"

"Matt, one of my credit cards just refunded me for
over-billing. A two-hundred fifty dollar check just came in the mail!"
"I don't understand why you had to interrupt us," Sherry
insisted, as she sat up and began sucking on Matt's neck. The sheets
on Matt's bed rose at a point that made it all too obvious what was
going on underneath.

Matt pulled her away. "Baby, this means I can run for Student
Body Vice President!"

Sherry looked disinterested. "Let's call it the slumber party
and go back to sleep," she said as she tried doing just that.

Tyler looked at Matt, and, with a shrug, said "Why not?"


Felix Blair, the Senate President Pro Tempore, really disliked
boring Agenda Committee meetings. Held the Monday evening before each
Student Senate meeting, there really wasn't much to talk about.

Virtually all of it was administrative, and tonight was not an
exception. And the sad fact of the matter was that the agenda usually
is amended at the start of each Senate meeting anyway, making most of
their work useless. Most of the Agenda Committee members felt the same
way. That is why this A.C. meeting last about fifteen minutes, and it
took that long only because someone was trying to bypass the Judiciary
committee and bring a bill directly to the floor.

As he left the meeting room, he decided he wanted to buy a
drink from the coffee shop on the first floor of the student union.
Michelle Green, an APC for the New Democracy party, met him at the
stairs.

"Can we talk?"

"Sure, Michelle. Care to walk with me to the Java Place?" The
two of them began walking down the stairs. As they got off the stairs,
Felix resumed the conversation with a "What's up?"

"Well, Michelle Kwan, our liason to the Asian Student Union,
says the Challenge Party went to their meeting tonight and announced
that the ASU Vice President, Kyoung Xue, was endorsing their party and
becoming their candidate to represent the College of Pharmacy."

"Damn!"

"Don't I know it. Worse, Larry says we are going over-budget
and may not get all the money we expected to from his contacts in the
local law practices."

"This is NOT good."

When they arrived at the coffee shop, Felix noticed a pile of
flyers cluttering up one of the only tables. Felix went over to the
table and picked up one of the flyers. It looked just like one of the
NDP's campaign flyers, in gold, except it wasn't. On it read, "New
Depravity Party: New Party, Same Old Corruption."


The guy in the gray italian suit looked like a pimp straight
out of the 1970s. However, his small lapel pin that looked like a blue
candle gave away the fact that he was no pimp at all. He just dressed
that way to get attention. Matt Ackison, the former lobbying director
for the Student Government, just hated this meeting. Tonight was
suppposed to be the night in which he meets the person that Grayson
Kearns placed on the Challenge Party ticket for student body treasurer,
instead of Matt.

The Tri Epsilon house of fraternity boys at Gainesville
University was the site of most Challenge Party meetings, given the
fact that Grayson Kearns was a brother of Tri-Ep. It was a relatively
modest frat house in both size and population, but has been
instrumental in keeping the other houses in line politically. That is,
until recently.

The reason Grayson pushed Matt off his ticket was that his
liasons in the other fraternities and sororites had told him that
keeping them under one party this time was much more difficult than
merely tapping their leadership into the Blue Candle Leadership
Honorary. In fact, as Grayson learned, as many as half of the houses
could swing to the New Democracy party if he wasn't careful. And one,
the "honors" fraternity, could even tip to the Liberal party.

Grayson, a chubby man of average height, sipped his Coca-Cola
as he tapped his feet under the table in the living room. Grayson,
Matt, and a few others were waiting for the treasurer candidate, who
was stuck in traffic on Hellenic Road.

The spacious living room had large couches and a virtually
panoramic window allowing the Challenge party leaders to watch for the
green SUV that they were expecting. "I see them!" exclaimed Kristin
Myler, the official chairwoman of the party.

Sure enough, the green SUV was slowly getting through the
traffic jam. It pulled into the left lane in an effort to speed up
their arrival. Unfortunately, what happened next looked almost like a
movie to those in the Tri-Ep living room, who were helpless to stop it.

A pickup truck pulled out of one of the nearby frat houses and didn't
see the SUV heading the wrong way. The two vehicles collided.

 . . . to be continued